Things to Think About as Your Child Departs for College

Melinda K. Dalgarn, Ed.D.

Being the parent of a first-year college student can be tough.  This is especially true if it’s your only child leaving home or if it’s the last child to leave.  The family structure is disrupted and that takes its toll on everyone.

The schedule that had become part of the weekly routine no longer exists.  Unless you have another child in high school, there is no longer a reason to attend those Friday night athletic events.  Attendance at swim meets, baseball games, musical performances, drum corps competitions, track meets and/or dance recitals comes to a screeching halt.  Parents actively engaged as volunteers within the school district sever those ties and personal relationships with families of your child’s friends quickly evaporate.

Although the weekly grocery bill may drop precipitously and the house may be quieter with a reduction in the number of phone calls, less television and fewer young people dashing in and out, there will likely be a little less laughter filling your home and heart.

The days of knowing the whereabouts of your young adult child are a thing of the past.  And if that’s not enough, the relationships you have with your spouse and those children who remain at home, will change.  A child leaving home is an event that requires an adjustment in family relations.

The first year of college can be tough for students too.  They typically look forward to the college experience with mixed emotions:  excitement and anticipation on one hand and fear and trepidation on the other.

Most students eagerly anticipate increased independence, no curfews, greater variety in academic course selections, flexibility in scheduling courses and the opportunity to meet new people, see new places and learn new things.

At the same time, the following questions are on the minds of nearly all new students as they prepare to enter college:  Will I make friends?  Will I be able to compete academically?  Will I like my roommate?  Will my roommate like me?  Will I be homesick?  What about my relationships with special friends at home?  Will we be able to maintain our relationship or should we even try?  Will there be others who like to do the kinds of things I like to do?  Will there be those who share my values? In what ways will my relationships with family and friends change?  What will I be doing four or five years from now?  Where will I be?  In what ways will I be different than I am now?  Will I not just survive, but thrive on campus?

Most new students are exposed to a more academically rigorous curriculum, a more diverse student body and a more distant relationship with those who have traditionally met their emotional needs.   Some students may find they need extra help in math or writing.  Others may require assistance in learning how to study.  Students who have never had academic difficulties may find themselves overwhelmed as they encounter other gifted students who were at the top of their high school classes.  As students adjust to these changes, they are also expected to accept increased responsibility and independence.

Students are required to become adept at balancing the requirements of everyday life * classes, sleep, study time, meals, extracurricular activities, money matters, social activities, part-time jobs, laundry, etc.  And, they are expected to do so while making new friends and developing new support systems.  All too often, students report that they are physically and emotionally exhausted before classes even begin.

There are some things new students and their parents can do to prepare for this journey before the first day of class.  First, it is important to understand that, like any journey, it will have its ups and downs.  There will be good days and not-so-good days.  Students (and their parents) will feel joy and sorrow, success and failure, disappointment and elation.  It’s all part of growing up.

Secondly, parents must understand that college is a time for students to experiment with their identity, to choose different trails than they might have traveled in high school, to reach out to different people and to explore new interests and activities.

Parents need to step back and allow their children to become acquainted with their new environment, its people and its culture.  It is only natural to want to call and keep in close touch with your student, but resist the urge and let your student take the lead in calling home. They may make some mistakes.  We all do.   They may learn some lessons the hard way.  Unfortunately, we all do that too.

Your student may call you in the middle of the night upset about a grade, unable to gain access to a computer program or concerned about a friend or roommate.  Chances are this problem will be resolved long before you get caught up on lost sleep.

Your role is to listen, comfort and then refer them to the appropriate campus resource.  You may not know that person by name, but your student will.  If he or she doesn’t, advise your student to check with a resident adviser or resident director.  They are upperclass students trained as friends, mentors and peer counselors.   If they don ’t have the answers, they know who does.  Students who commute should seek assistance from staff in the Dean of Students office.

While students will have many opportunities to spread their wings and define and refine themselves as young adults, they must understand that with this newfound freedom comes increased responsibility and accountability.

A college or university is a community that demands civility and respect for individual differences.  Students will be expected to be sensitive to issues such as ethnicity, gender-equity, socio-economic status, geographic differences and denominational preferences.

Honesty and integrity are fundamental to the code of conduct on all campuses.  They are an integral part of campus life, inside the classroom, on the playing field or in the library, dining room or bookstore. Student behavior must be guided by sound judgment and community obligation.

Students should not underestimate the significance of what it means to be a responsible member of a community.  Related to this are issues ranging from academic integrity to respect for common area property in the residence halls and use of alcohol.   Most violations of community standards are committed by good students who make poor choices.

Parents need to be aware that all student educational records are subject to the provisions of the federal privacy act known as the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (also referred to as FERPA or the Buckley Amendment).   Student records are not generally available unless the person requesting to see them is a member of the faculty or staff with legitimate educational interests and a valid need to know.  Parents may not be allowed access to these records without a release signed by the student.

This means that you may not have access to information concerning the academic records of your student, including grades, honor council violations, violations of community standards and health records, without his or her written consent.

In the heat of a crisis, parents are often frustrated by what is perceived to be a lack of cooperation on the part of the institution.  In reality, federal law prohibits faculty, administrators, health care professionals and others from releasing information without this written consent.  It would be wise for parents to talk about such a release prior to the start of the academic year.

It is true that new students are expected to learn a great deal in a relatively short period of time.  Fortunately, there are many resources available on campus to help th em succeed.

Faculty advisers, academic deans and staff in Student Affairs as well as student staff in residence life and orientation will be among the first people new students meet.  They work diligently to help new students learn about college policies, procedures and traditions.  Having a sense of the campus culture allows new students to feel more comfortable and confident in their new surroundings.

There are several ways new students and their families can acquaint themselves with their institutions prior to the start of the academic year.  Here are some tips for surviving those first few months of college:

Take a campus tour conducted by well trained, knowledgeable upperclass tour guides.  They are eager to share their experiences with you and happy to answer your questions.

While on campus, stop by the student center and pick up some recent publications such as the student newspaper, a student handbook, a parent handbook, lists of student organizations, an academic calendar, programs and services available on campus and, of course, a campus map.

Parents should seek out the latest parents newsletter and/or list of members of the Parents Council.  If you ’re interested in learning how you can become involved, call a member of the Parents Council.

Most institutions offer a variety of orientation programs.  Students will be much more comfortable returning in the fall if they already know some members of the campus community.   Explore these carefully and plan to attend.  They are well worth the time and money and should not be missed.

Students with roommates should contact them prior to the start of classes.  Decide who will bring items that can be shared.  Space in rooms will be limited and there’s no need for two refrigerators, microwaves or televisions.

Increase your familiarity with the campus by visiting the institution’s website.  There is a plethora of information available online that is easily accessible and

up-to-date.

Subscribe to those publications made available to parents.  These might include student publications as well as those that pertain to specific schools or programs.  Further information is likely available on the web.

Start a filing system at home that includes all the material received from the institution.  Include newsletters, parent handbooks, letters of welcome, announcements of special events for parents, contact names and numbers, etc.

Students should be fully aware of who’s contributing what and the monetary contributions they are expected to make.  If a student has a credit card, it is prudent to discuss credit card use and payment obligations.

And finally, if time permits, drive around the perimeter of campus and get a feel for the surrounding neighborhood.  Locate the nearest grocery, drug store, bank, dry cleaners and shopping mall.  Get a sense of the area surrounding campus.

Be mindful that it is against the law for people under the age of 21 to purchase, consume or distribute alcohol.  Colleges and universities are finding themselves under increased scrutiny with regard to the use and abuse of alcohol and drugs.  There can be severe consequences if your student chooses to drink or, worse yet, drink and drive.  Mere association with an underage drinker in a local bar can lead to the arrest of the entire group.

Records at most colleges and universities will confirm that lapses in judgment resulting in accidents or disciplinary charges often stem from the use of alcohol.  Underage drinking can also impact one’s financial aid or even one’s pursuits in professional schools.

Similarly, it is important that students and parents alike understand that a campus is not immune to the problems found in the community-at-large.  Thefts and burglaries occur on all campuses.   Unfortunately, on occasion, so do assaults, rapes and even murder.  The Clery Act, named in memory of freshman Jeanne Ann Clery who was raped and murdered as she slept in her residence hall room in 1986, is a federal law that requires colleges and universities to disclose information about crime on and around their campuses.  Reports on campus crime are usually available through the campus security office and some institutions may post their statistics online.

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As a member of the campus community, students play an important role in keeping the campus safe.  Exterior doors in residence halls should remain locked at all times and students should be advised to travel in groups, especially after dark.  Students who commute should park in well traveled areas that are lit at night.  Sharing class schedules and building locations with family members can also be helpful in emergencies.

Although the commuter student experience is different in many ways, it is important that parents of commuters make a conscious shift in their thinking as their student moves into adulthood.  Parents must accept the fact that household obligations and family activities will be replaced by increased academic and social obligations.  It is important that expectations of family involvement be modified.  If Uncle Ernie’s birthday falls in the midst of finals, it will likely be impossible for your student to attend.

The journey you are about to begin will be one that impacts your life and the life of your student in significant ways.  You may become a college sports fan.  You may choose to attend some of the musical programs offered on campus.  You may have the pleasure of meeting some of your student’s new friends and even members of their families.

It is likely that distance or obligations will preclude you from doing much more than visiting occasionally or participating in annual events planned especially for parents.

Regardless of your role on campus, the most difficult aspect of this time of transition will be allowing your child to use the knowledge and lessons learned to make his or her own way through life.  You will not be there each day to provide oversight, nor should you be.  You have equipped your child with the skills needed to survive and thrive on this journey through college.  It is now time for your son or daughter to take flight.

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

Let them soar!

Melinda Dalgarn has been involved in higher education for 25 years.  She received her undergraduate degree from Lewis and Clark College and earned her masters and doctorate in school administration at Vanderbilt University.   She has worked with students, parents, faculty and staff at Vanderbilt and, most recently, as Vice President for Student Affairs at Mercer University.  Melinda has written an educational CD entitled Smart Start aimed at helping new students and their parents make successful transitions from high school to college. For more information, contact Dr. Dalgarn at [email-masked].

1 Gibran, Kahlil, The Prophet