Understanding the ups and downs of relationships A survey recently reported by the Barna Research Group stated that born-again Christians, and particularly Baptists, are more likely than non-Christians to have experienced a divorce. More than 29 percent of all Baptists are now or have been divorced, ranking only second to non-denominational church members, reporting 34 percent. According to relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrot, professors at Seattle Pacific University in Washington and the speakers for this year’s first annual Crabtree Family Life Series held at Union, many couples enter into marriage without understanding what real love is. “Love is a very fluid thing,” says Les Parrot. “It changes, there’s an ebb and flow to it, and over time, it will be something different than it used to be. It takes work and commitment to carry you through when the passion isn’t there.” And the passion won’t always be there, say the Parrots . Research, according to the couple, shows that passion will wane in the majority of couples during the first 15-20 years of their marriage.
One of the biggest problems the Parrots see in couples is the need for completion of one’s self through his or her spouse. “No one was designed to meet your needs all of the time,” says Les. “So if you try to build intimacy with another person before you’ve done the hard work of getting whole on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself. The only one who can ultimately complete you is your heavenly Father.” Which relationship style are you? According to the Parrots, there are four different relationship styles. Many people will have a mix of more than one. The goal should be to become a genuine lover.
The Controller – “Controllers are the mirror images of Pleasers. These people love with their heads but not with their hearts. They don’t carry much guilt, but they don’t have a high value on love either. These people will analyze a situation but they have a tough time sympathizing with a situation. Controllers are very good at getting their own needs met.” The Withholder – “Withholders are different from Pleasers and Controllers. It takes a lot of patience to be in a relationship with a withholder. These are people who’ve been hurt in a relationship before, and they don’t want to be hurt again. Their theme song is “what have you done for me lately?” The Genuine Lover – “The Genuine Lover is the only person you’re going to find who knows how to love with their head as well as their heart. They run low on guilt and high on love. This is the person who has the heart of love, which described in one word is empathy. They have the capacity to see the world fro m another person’s perspective. I don’t know of anyone that can have a successful love life without a big dose of empathy in that relationship. It’s a rare, rare thing. That’s what God gave us in His Son, when He came to this planet to put Himself in our place. Empathy. It’s the ultimate gift of love.” |
However,
it is those couples who work at the marriage through those years and don’t
give up, that come out on the other side more fulfilled and happier than
ever with their spouse and with their marriage. 
The
Pleaser – “Pleasers are very eager to meet your needs,
sometimes needs you don’t even have. They love with their hearts, but
not with their heads. They jump to conclusions. This category really
should be called ‘Sloppy Agape’ because the problem pleasers tend to
have is they’re not meeting anyone’s needs but their own. By meeting
your needs, they’re making themselves feel better because they have
such a high level of guilt. The more loving they feel towards someone,
the less guilty they feel about themselves . ”